


the source of grief is (in)finite

by losermoose



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: A lot of implied/referenced things, Angst, Attempted Murder, Child Abuse, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'll tag as I go, M/M, Memories, Minor Character Death, Multi, Original Character Death(s), Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Suicide, Team as Family, Technically not really, Time Travel, Timeline? Don't know her, Vampires take badly timed naps, also everyone is gay and jace is trans wOOPS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-10-22 23:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10706964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losermoose/pseuds/losermoose
Summary: the one where a demon invites them on an all expense paid trip around magnus bane’s memories and the group finds out that time does not, in fact, heal all wounds… and maybe a bit about themselves along the wayOr: the fic where Magnus - despite being the main character - is unconscious the whole damn time, Alec is unsure, Izzy is a good sister, Raphael naps a lot, and Jace is the designated coffee boy.





	1. ALEXANDER I

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Alec is panicking at the beginning, it doesn't last for very long and is mostly and introduction so feel free to skip it.

Magnus’ hair was dipped red. Alec had watched him dye it only hours earlier, blue sparks following his fingers as they ran through the strands. He'd smiled at Alec in the mirror, turned around and kissed him, rings cold against his cheeks when he held his face, whispering about how they were late and -  _ who's fault is that? _ Alec had huffed a little too happily.  _ Yours,  _ Magnus said running his thumb across his brow,  _ for setting the bar so impossibly high.  _ Alec had barely heard his phone ringing, too full of the moment and love for any sound to get through. 

Now all he could hear was the screaming.

Magnus seized again, curling into himself, fingernails drawing blood from where they'd dug themselves into Alec's hand. The van swung around the corner as a nearby lamppost exploded. Blue and purple and red hovered around Magnus, floating about not only his hands but his whole body, intermittently, violently, sending out shock waves into the surrounding area. Alec was sure that if his eyes were open - if his face wasn't crunched in  _ pain -  _ that his cat eyes would be showing.

Another pulse shot out, this time making the van rock and shake between invisible forces. Clary and Maia yelped as the door next to them caved in. Alec was dimly aware of Simon and Jace yelling at each other.

“Can we not go  _ any  _ faster?”

“I'm going twenty miles above the speed limit! Do you  _ want  _ the mundane police to pull us over with  _ this  _ happening?!”

“ _ querido Dios _ \- just drive Simon!” Raphael snapped over the din.

Alec gripped Magnus tighter. His screams had stopped for the moment, or rather turned into moans and ragged breaths, but whatever it was the fever that had gripped him since the attack was getting worse. His hand shook as it traced through Magnus’ hair, once again trying helplessly to calm him through his own panic.

Everything felt… far away. The only real things were how his heart hadn't stopped hammering and Magnus shaking apart and crying in his lap. He blinked back his own tears, reminding himself how to breath.  _ I can't breath  _ \- that's what he'd told Lydia that day. That day when… 

someone grabbed his hand.

His head snapped up. Izzy was looking at him, concerned and, for once, gentle.

“He’ll be fine, big brother.” Her voice didn't sound like she believed it. Maybe like she was trying to. Alec barely had the spare energy to nod. 

But then Magnus screamed again and Alec once again lost any remaining sense of the world outside his frantic heartbeat.

 

:

 

Izzy hands were surprisingly soft as they bandaged his own. A healing rune would have fixed it quicker, but Alec hadn’t wanted it. He wasn’t sure any of them would have the energy to activate it even if he did. The sun was rising. The sky folding new colors over, growing and building as the new day arrived, and as all of them sat, tense, tired, and far too awake in Magnus’ living room.

Last night after they'd gotten back to the apartment - thankfully without mundane interference - it had only taken minutes to contact Caterina and have her portal over before getting to work. After a few exhausting hours she'd eventually gotten Magnus to settle, but even if he wasn't screaming and spasming anymore she couldn't figure out how to wake him up, or get rid of the fever. His magic, too, was still unpredictable. Though no longer hovering about him like a cloud shocks of it would appear randomly, and one of them would have to race to figure out what had happened. Nothing dangerous so far, but it was an unspoken worry.

A lot of things were unspoken that morning. Alec knew it was for his sake. Or rather, it was his fault. The hand Izzy had already wrapped rested against Magnus’ own as he mumbled to himself in whatever sleep - coma? Trance? - he was in. 

They hadn't even been on a mission. They'd been out for  _ dinner. _ Just a normal dinner, like normal people who didn't have to live on the edge of a knife, caught between an uncaring clave and vicious demons. The place was run by a friend of Magnus. The man was a mundane, he'd explained, but his brother had been a werewolf who was killed by the circle. Afterwards he'd opened the restaurant as a safe haven, not only for downworlders but for any mundane who knew of them. A place where they could all be catered to and coexist without worry. So they'd all gone - Clary, Jace, Izzy, Simon, Raphael, Maia, Magnus, and himself - and it had been  _ good.  _ They'd laughed and ate and had  _ fun.  _

And then the demon had showed up - if that's even what it was. The fight had been quick enough with all of them there. Simple. An annoying but not unreasonable occurrence. It wasn't until they were talking to the owner some twenty minutes later that they realized that something was very,  _ very _ wrong. They had been saying goodbyes and making to leave when it happened. On his way to the door Magnus had stumbled, clutched his head, and fallen to the ground with a cry. Within minutes he was full on seizing, convulsing, screaming, tables hitting the walls in a lashing display of power. Simon had raced to bring the van around and Alec had picked Magnus up as gently as he could and the haze of the ride home had begun.

_ Home _ . Alec’s heart clenched. Was that what this was? Magnus and his silk sheets and playful smiles. Home had always been the institute. It had been surety and the clave and the truth. He wasn't certain about any of those things anymore. But as chairman meow lept into his lap - nudging his newly bandaged wrist and purring - he felt certain about this at least. 

Or he did until Caterina walked back into the room with a sigh. Everyone else present sat up straighter, turning in her direction. Maia and Simon had left to find Luke and Jace was on breakfast (well, coffee) duty, so the only ones there were Izzy, Raphael, Clary, and Alec himself. Silence hung a heavy curtain between the five of them, as it had since Alec had carried Magnus in here only hours ago.

The hours shown on all of them. Caterina in particular was looking ragged. Her glamor had fallen at some point and her blue skin was on full display, while her hair was messy and nearly completely loose from the bun she’d placed it in. The work couldn't have been easy on her, hours of spellwork would be difficult for any warlock - let alone when it's a highly complicated healing spell performed on an unknown illness. Yet when she spoke her voice was as strong as ever.

“I know what's happening.”

Whatever silence had remained in the room evaporated, the space it left filling up with an electric hope.

“Well?” Raphael, like Alec, had been silent since they arrived, and steadfast in his vigil, but it was he who spoke first.

“It’s the effect of a rare form of memory demon -  _ animam comedentem _ .” Caterina stepped further into the room, taking the empty seat at the foot of the bed. “They’re similar to a parasite. First they infect a host and then they feed on it from the inside out. The difference is that instead of organic matter this parasite feeds off of memories.” Alec tried very hard not to let go of whatever hope had been building in his gut disappear.

“Memories?” Clary frowned confusedly as she looked to each face in the room before landing on Caterina who only nodded in response.

“They… for lack of a better description, trap a person in their most powerful memories. The chaos that comes from feeling all those things at once creates a high for it, one it can't live without, but it also creates physical symptoms within the host - the fever, the lack of control. Most notably, imprisoning someone in their mind like this demon does involves placing them in what's essentially a coma.”

“So Magnus is in a coma reliving a bunch of his memories?”

“Essentially, Clary, yes.” Caterina’s eyes slid to the floor as she shifted in her seat, obviously uncomfortable with what she was having to say. Which only made Alec grip Magnus’ hand tighter.

“But there’s more than that.” as Caterina spoke again, looking down at her hands. “The demon rarely leaves its host voluntarily. It can, of course, however most choose not to. Instead they… drain them, either until the high wears off or until the host dies.” 

Alec fought very hard to breathe.

The conversation went on, about how and why the host could die, but Alec couldn’t focus on anything. It was like the van earlier, where the only real part of the world was whatever part of him Magnus had latched onto in his fit. Except now it was him doing the latching, holding on to the point of bruising.

“How can we help?” Clary’s voice drew his attention again, but he didn't dare let go of Magnus’ hand yet. “There's got to be some way to… expel the demon or something.” Caterina shifted again. In her momentary silence her gaze landed on Magnus for the first time since she had walked in Alec was hit with a sudden pang. They had known Magnus a while, yes, but Caterina had known him  _ centuries  _ and here she was - possibly watching watching one of her oldest friends... 

He shook the thought from his head. No. That wouldn't happen. That  _ couldn't  _ happen. Alec tried desperately to shake himself out of his thoughts as Caterina looked back to Clary.

“There is something. It would take a… long time, but if we can pull it off it  _ will _ work.” She went on to explain. There was a spell that would allow a person to enter another's mind, search around their memories in order to find them if they were lost. “We can use this to find Magnus and force him out of the coma,” Caterina said, “once he's awake and in control the demon won't be able to reach him anymore.”

Izzy jumped out of her seat, energy restored with Caterina’s words.

“Let’s get going then!”

“Calm, Isabelle, this is not something to take lightly.” Caterina placated. 

“Why? Magnus is our friend if this is going to save his life - “

“Magnus is my friend too my dear, but you forget what I said earlier.  _ If  _ we can pull this off.  _ If.  _ It's a very powerful spell, hard to control, especially for the length of time we would be using it. Believe me, I want nothing more than to stop this demon but it's not a decision we should take lightly. We could be endangering not only ourselves - not only  _ Magnus -  _ but anyone else in the spell’s reach as well. And it would be draining - no just on a physical or magical level either but a mental one as well.”

Izzy still wasn't sitting down. She crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow, looking about to speak again. Caterina stopped her.

“You're young. All of you. Even you, Raphael, and none of you can truly understand. Being immortal is…” she trailed off and shook her head. “Magnus is older than I am. Right now he's trapped inside  _ centuries  _ of memories. Finding him amidst that, if we even can, won't be pretty. Whatever you're expecting to find this won't be it.”

“Do you think that we - that any of us - care at all about that?” Izzy snapped. “Magnus is our friend, our  _ family,  _ and we do what we must for our family.” Alec felt a spring of love for his sister. Family. That's what they were. Not just the those that carried the Lightwood name, but Jace and Magnus and Clary and all of them. Their  _ family _ \- a bunch of broken pieces, a mess of downworlders and shadowhunters all smudged together. Family. Alec would do anything for his family. Alec would do anything for Magnus. And as he looked around the room, to the set of Clary’s determined jaw, to Izzy’s stubborn shoulders, to Raphael sitting resolute in his shaded corner of the room, he knew they all agreed. They could do this. They could Magnus back. They had to.


	2. ISABELLE I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey the end note is important and possibly longer than this actual chapter so pls read it thenks

Within the next hour they had worked out a plan. Jace (now returned from his coffee run) would go with Clary and herself to the institute to pack anything they might need and inform everyone of their absence. Of course saying why they needed to be gone for an unknown amount of time that could be anywhere from two days to a month would be…. difficult. But Izzy had faith. They'd gotten out of worse scrapes with worse lies before. While the three of them were out Maia would help Caterina gather supplies for the spell, leaving Luke and Simon on Magnus watch as Raphael slept - vampires and their nocturnal schedules, Izzy shook her head, ridiculous. As for Alec, well Alec wasn't coming back to the institute with them. He needed sleep (they all did) but Izzy knew he wouldn't. Even though Izzy had a gnawing pit of fear sitting heavy in her stomach over what was happening to Magnus she knew her brother had it worse. That was his curse - though Alec tried to deny it he cared more than any man had the right to. He cared so much he bleed when others were wounded, wore their scars on his skin; no one could suffer alone, except him of course.   
He was still sat next to Magnus, perched on the chair like it was the only safe spot in the world. Chairman Meow was curled up on his lap again and purring ever so slightly for it. If not for the circumstances it would have made a sweet picture; Alec sitting dutifully next to his sleeping boyfriend, their cat pushing it's tiny skull into his hand for more pets, the sun still low enough in the sky to be gentle - Izzy wished that's all it was, but things were never that simple.  
“Don't worry big brother,” she chirped as she crept towards Alec’s chair. “We’ve got it all handled at the Institute, just a wink at Raj and we’ll be back.”  
Alec only nodded mutely. Izzy frowned but said nothing more, brushing his hair from his forehead and pressing a quick, fretful kiss there. She wanted to help him, but she wasn’t good at that. A pep talk here or there, sure, but helping, talking, comforting… Izzy wasn’t sure she was made for that. Her skin buzzed with too much noise for her to quiet another.  
But she could fight. She could fight and push her way through when others couldn't so that's what she would do. Izzy would take the reigns when her brother dropped them and hope she was worthy of their weight.  
Having done all she could Izzy turned to leave, hand already on the door before Luke stopped her.  
“We’ll take care of him.”  
She caught Simon’s nod from the corner of her eye and didn't doubt either of them for a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello hlelo im s o o sorry that this chapter is so short i just really wanted to update you guys on a few things about this fic so:  
> it is being continued, and this was originally - and probably will still be - a part of a larger chapter i'm currently writing. i haven't written a multi-chapter thing in a few years and i just dove right into writing like .... five? six? so im a little unbalanced currently on the writing side of things. im also trying to edit for the first time ever because i realized how Great that is?? those things are both adding time. but i also started this at a time in the year when i get reallyyyyyy busy for 2-3 months and dont have time to work on things. it's summer now so im free for the hell of school but im still taking a class and planning out a D&D campaign that im DMing for in august - both of which eat up time. im still really in love with this idea and have a lot of things floatin around waiting to be written, it just might take me some time to get back in the flow of it.  
> really though thanks for the response to the first chapter, every time someone comments i do a happy dance and read it over like 5 times because it's taken me so long to work up to sharing my writing and any little bit just makes me so estactic to see, thank you. hopefully i'll be back soon with the next chapter - or, rather, this chapter completed (finally).  
> im gonna be switching POVs in this fic so feel free to submit characters you want to seee me try to write from, magnus wont be one of them because im Horrible. and, as always, feel free to give suggestions or ideas for different memories you want to see. thanks y'all!

**Author's Note:**

> listen Magnus is always comforting everyone else and I just need someone to protect him and comfort him like one (1) time ok thnks.  
> so naturally I make a fic where he's unconscious and in pain the entire time.  
> I don't know either man.


End file.
